One piece of advice we were given was to come up with a list of questions that we would have to answer separately and then discuss together. Anything we didn't agree on, we had to find a compromise. The idea is that when you're thrust into the middle of a situation and suddenly need to find a resolution, it can lead to conflict because it's hard to keep your emotions in check. It's hard to see anything but the storm raging around you. So find the solution before the storm hits.
We came up with at least 100 questions. We asked each other everything from "how do you squeeze the toothpaste tube?" to "if we needed to borrow money, whose parents would we ask?" to "what is your least favorite chore to do around the house?"
During this exercise, we learned a lot about each other. For one thing, I learned that my husband HATES doing laundry. Like he really hates it. He learned that I hate collecting trash and taking it out to the garbage. During this particular discussion, we decided that for the rest of our lives, he would take out the garbage and I would do the laundry. Easy, right?
Actually, it was one of the best deals we ever made. Have I had to take out the garbage during our marriage? Of course. Has he done the laundry during the last 8 years? Absolutely. But it's pretty rare, considering.
While it's nice that I don't usually need to take out the trash, the real benefits of this arrangement appear when I do.
If I see an overflowing trash can, it's a clear message to me that my husband needs my help. It's a little flashing signal that tells me he's overworked, distracted, or tired. And when that signal flashes, I can respond before he actually needs to ask for help. If it isn't overflowing, but just reached full, I can easily send a message to him that I am thinking of him. I can send the message that I love him and want to show that with acts of service, all by simply taking out the garbage. He does the same thing for me when he does the laundry.
It can mean so much because we're never ever expected to do the other person's designated job. I would never get frustrated with him because the laundry wasn't getting done, or resenting him because "I did it last time", because it's MY job. I ALWAYS do it. Even if I don't technically always do it, the mindset stays the same. Every time he does the laundry, he gets bonus points. They're always bonus points. He's never in the red when it comes to laundry points.
Don't we all kinda need that? Something that we can never fail in? Something that doesn't require catch up after the times when we are too overwhelmed or too busy or too sick and end up letting things slip?
In your marriage, you can look at a full trash can and see your partner slacking or their failed commitments. You can start that internal clock and see how long it takes them to show up and be there for you and your unspoken needs. You can tally how many times you've done it in a row and have that resentment come to mind the next time you fight. Or you can see a full trash can and know that it's ok that it's full because your partner will come through for you because they always do. You can seize an opportunity to show them you love them and do it for them. You can look out for reasons why it might not get done and help them while they're still little obstacles instead of big hurdles.
My husband lets me do the laundry. He lets me use the laundry as an opportunity to take an everyday nuisance off his shoulders. He lets me use it as a distress signal. He lets me fall in love with him a little more every time he does it. And that is a blessing.
Now please excuse me while I take out the trash.
Now please excuse me while I take out the trash.
